"Grief does not expire like a candle or the beacon on a lighthouse. It simply changes temperature." Nocturne, by Adam Rapp
2007
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
25 July 2012
19 May 2012
Missing my babe
"In the face of loss, people deserve space to be out of their minds. And they will get back in their minds in their own time, not when people are tired of their grief and ready for them to move on.
We are unfair to grief, I think, treating it as an enemy or a disease to be fought. We do not succumb to grief. We do not lose to grief. We engage grief. It gives us the time our hearts need for us to be out of our minds." [Source: Julie Pippert http://theartfulflower.blogspot.com/2012/02/we-are-unfair-to-grief.html?m=1]
I never held you, but I knew you. And, I still miss you, little one. The three of us sent up a pink Chinese lantern in your honor on Friday night - a little early, so that Daddy could be there, too. We told Aidan about you. I'm not quite sure than he understood, but he did listen...perhaps even more quietly than usual. It was a good evening.
Finally, to Glenda: Still I am endlessly grateful.
28 July 2011
Lost Souls and Cassette Tapes
Aidan took this picture of us, and it pretty much sums up what our life has been like over the past few months: Aidan and I playing on the floor while Chad researches building materials and such for the house we hope to build next year. What Aidan didn't get a photo of was me napping on the couch while he and Chad romp around the living room. THAT happens frequently, too. I'm not quite sure why the hot weather so effectively drains me of all energy, and I certainly don't remember being so affected in previous years. All I know is I'm quite ready for some cooler temperatures. I wish I could live in a perpetual autumn.
As July comes to a close, Chad and I also take a moment to remember a life largely forgotten by the rest of the world. It was July 25th, 2007 that we discovered that our first child had died. Emotionally draining but not nearly as traumatic as our ectopic baby, my miscarriage plunged me head first into the world of infertility and high risk pregnancies - a world of belly injections, blood, fear, and mercy. Four years later, and the pain of my first loss has dulled considerably. I didn't cry on Monday, nor did I feel particularly moody or detached. What I did feel was simply an overarching sadness that I was one of only two people who bothered to spare a moment to remember her. I often feel that what really holds me back from healing from all of this is that I'm dealing with it largely alone. No one wants to talk about dead babies, and certainly not to their grieving parents. Some even have the audacity to claim I shouldn't mourn a life that died so quickly after conception. But whether you like it or not, that life was real to me, and she was real to my husband, and we will never forget her. And, most importantly, we remember her sacrifice: were it not for her loss, we would never have this wonderful little boy...
...whose 3T pants from winter are already several inches too short...
...and who still loves chewing on his favorite blankie (thanks Mimi) and hamming it up for Mommy's camera. Er, excuse me, Mom's camera. Somehow in the last few months I've become *Mom* instead of Mommy. Surprisingly, I rather like it :-).
Seeing this picture always makes me laugh. Aidan loves having his hair done, usually in "bunny ears" or "horns", but sometimes a lone "whale spout". In anticipation of an 8hr drive to Chicago (thanks to Grandma & Grandpa for babysitting) in a car without a CD player, I found my stash of old mix tapes and decided to bring them along and see if they still work. Aidan was fascinated by the tape, and I couldn't resist the photo op. Now I just need to introduce him to Grandpa's eight tracks :-).
Included in the bunch: various mix tapes from friends, The Scarlet Pimpernel, Blink 182, A Perfect Circle, 3 Doors Down, Ani DiFranco, my beloved high "Escape from Bad Radio Music" Mix from high school...
...and the famous "CTY Mix" with such stars as They Might be Giants, REM, and Dr. Demento. I even found a Trance mix made for me by Ricardo. I wonder if he even remembers? Great songs...all made me smile, and singing them made me feel happier and more carefree than I have in a long time.
Make a little birdhouse in your soul...
19 May 2011
Dona Nobis Pacem
Agnus Dei, qui tollis peccata mundi...
A year ago today, at this time, I was preparing to knowingly commit murder.
...miserere nobis.
At least, that's what most Republicans (and some Democrats) would have me believe.
Agnus Dei, qui tollis peccata mundi...
I sat in a hospital room, alone, while I waited for surgery - waited for my doctor to take from my body a child I so desperately wanted. Chad stayed with Aidan and our nephew. He was alone, too.
...miserere nobis.
A year later, and I still cannot express to you the guilt and grief I feel every moment of every day. When people do their very best to act like this life never existed, it only adds to my misery. There is no outlet for my grief.
Agnus Dei, qui tollis peccata mundi...
No one to remember her but my husband and me. No one to mourn her but us. No record that she ever existed, except the hole burned into our souls, and the scars on my belly.
Dona Nobis Pacem
I always told myself I could never have an abortion, but there I was, sitting in that hospital room, waiting. Of course, this particular abortion was medically necessary. My daughter was growing in my tube - ectopic - and there was nothing anyone could do to save her life. I could either wait for the tube to burst - at great personal risk - or I could remove her tiny body from mine in a relatively safe procedure. Part of me wanted to wait, to punish myself for my body's failure. I wanted to hurt physically, if only to numb the pain I felt inside. But of course I couldn't do that, not with my sweet Aidan to mind, and my husband and kitties. My daughter was not meant for this Earth, but I was still meant to be here. Wife. Mother. Kitty slave. And so, God help me, I closed my eyes, went under anesthesia, and woke up empty.
Dona Nobis Pacem
I murdered her. She was alive with the beginnings of a heart beat, and I murdered her.
And my insurance company paid for it. And my insurance premiums were paid with pre-tax dollars. So when the bill from the hospital came, we could afford to pay it.
Deo grátias.
I was always adamant that it was neither my place nor the government's to tell a woman that she couldn't have an abortion. I know many people view abortion (all abortions) to be the murder of a unborn child, and the idea that any of their tax dollars might be going to such an abdominal act sickening. I get it, truly I do. And honestly, I'm fine with writing it in the tax code: no federal dollars spent on abortions. It's not like that's anything new: the Hyde Amendment takes care of that. It's all the other crap that scares me and makes ME feel ill. H.R. 3 says:
- Flex spending dollars can't be used to pay for abortions.
- Premiums for insurance plans that list abortion as a covered benefit can't be written off.
This goes beyond protecting people's beliefs, and it's easy to see where it will lead.
- No insurance companies will cover abortions.
- Having an abortion will get a lot more expensive.
Which, I suppose, is what they want. These representatives (though who they are representing, I have no idea, because it sure the hell isn't me) want to tell me which medical procedures I should have and which I shouldn't by dictating where I can spend money that I earn.
And I'm sorry, but that's goes a bit beyond their job description.
They may believe that writing this into the permanent tax code is going to prevent more abortions, but I assure you that they are wrong. These changes will serve to do little more than cause already grieving women more strife by putting them thousands of dollars in debt, while increasing the number of dangerous abortions women will have without the aid of a trained medical staff in a sterile environment. We'll be back to where we were in the decades before Roe v. Wade.
And women will die because of it.
And their babies will, too.
I therefore urge you all to consider the ramifications of such a bill - the broader picture of the precedent these pieces of legislation represent. Who do you want to draw the line between medically necessary and murder? Yourself and your doctor? Or a bunch of (mostly male) strangers with no medical training whose beliefs may or may not be your own? Let alone the issue of rape (don't get me started on that one). Protecting unborn children at the expense of their mothers is not good legislation, regardless of the reason. And it certainly doesn't belong in the tax code.
Because the woman sitting in that hospital bed is me. She's everyone who has ever been a mother - however briefly. And I promise you, her suffering goes beyond anything you could ever know, regardless of what brought her to that bed.
Isn't it enough?
Dona Nobis Pacem
---
More info:
http://www.npr.org/2011/05/05/136011925/bill-to-bar-abortion-tax-subsidies-passes-house
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/05/04/hr-3-not-actually-about-t_n_857420.html
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2011/05/05/973235/-GOP-criminalizes-abortion-via-the-tax-code-UPDATED
War Against Women:
http://www.care2.com/causes/womens-rights/blog/lawmaker-says-women-should-plan-ahead-in-case-of-rape-since-he-carries-a-spare-tire/
A year ago today, at this time, I was preparing to knowingly commit murder.
...miserere nobis.
At least, that's what most Republicans (and some Democrats) would have me believe.
Agnus Dei, qui tollis peccata mundi...
I sat in a hospital room, alone, while I waited for surgery - waited for my doctor to take from my body a child I so desperately wanted. Chad stayed with Aidan and our nephew. He was alone, too.
...miserere nobis.
A year later, and I still cannot express to you the guilt and grief I feel every moment of every day. When people do their very best to act like this life never existed, it only adds to my misery. There is no outlet for my grief.
Agnus Dei, qui tollis peccata mundi...
No one to remember her but my husband and me. No one to mourn her but us. No record that she ever existed, except the hole burned into our souls, and the scars on my belly.
Dona Nobis Pacem
I always told myself I could never have an abortion, but there I was, sitting in that hospital room, waiting. Of course, this particular abortion was medically necessary. My daughter was growing in my tube - ectopic - and there was nothing anyone could do to save her life. I could either wait for the tube to burst - at great personal risk - or I could remove her tiny body from mine in a relatively safe procedure. Part of me wanted to wait, to punish myself for my body's failure. I wanted to hurt physically, if only to numb the pain I felt inside. But of course I couldn't do that, not with my sweet Aidan to mind, and my husband and kitties. My daughter was not meant for this Earth, but I was still meant to be here. Wife. Mother. Kitty slave. And so, God help me, I closed my eyes, went under anesthesia, and woke up empty.
Dona Nobis Pacem
I murdered her. She was alive with the beginnings of a heart beat, and I murdered her.
And my insurance company paid for it. And my insurance premiums were paid with pre-tax dollars. So when the bill from the hospital came, we could afford to pay it.
Deo grátias.
I was always adamant that it was neither my place nor the government's to tell a woman that she couldn't have an abortion. I know many people view abortion (all abortions) to be the murder of a unborn child, and the idea that any of their tax dollars might be going to such an abdominal act sickening. I get it, truly I do. And honestly, I'm fine with writing it in the tax code: no federal dollars spent on abortions. It's not like that's anything new: the Hyde Amendment takes care of that. It's all the other crap that scares me and makes ME feel ill. H.R. 3 says:
- Flex spending dollars can't be used to pay for abortions.
- Premiums for insurance plans that list abortion as a covered benefit can't be written off.
This goes beyond protecting people's beliefs, and it's easy to see where it will lead.
- No insurance companies will cover abortions.
- Having an abortion will get a lot more expensive.
Which, I suppose, is what they want. These representatives (though who they are representing, I have no idea, because it sure the hell isn't me) want to tell me which medical procedures I should have and which I shouldn't by dictating where I can spend money that I earn.
And I'm sorry, but that's goes a bit beyond their job description.
They may believe that writing this into the permanent tax code is going to prevent more abortions, but I assure you that they are wrong. These changes will serve to do little more than cause already grieving women more strife by putting them thousands of dollars in debt, while increasing the number of dangerous abortions women will have without the aid of a trained medical staff in a sterile environment. We'll be back to where we were in the decades before Roe v. Wade.
And women will die because of it.
And their babies will, too.
I therefore urge you all to consider the ramifications of such a bill - the broader picture of the precedent these pieces of legislation represent. Who do you want to draw the line between medically necessary and murder? Yourself and your doctor? Or a bunch of (mostly male) strangers with no medical training whose beliefs may or may not be your own? Let alone the issue of rape (don't get me started on that one). Protecting unborn children at the expense of their mothers is not good legislation, regardless of the reason. And it certainly doesn't belong in the tax code.
Because the woman sitting in that hospital bed is me. She's everyone who has ever been a mother - however briefly. And I promise you, her suffering goes beyond anything you could ever know, regardless of what brought her to that bed.
Isn't it enough?
Dona Nobis Pacem
---
More info:
http://www.npr.org/2011/05/05/136011925/bill-to-bar-abortion-tax-subsidies-passes-house
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/05/04/hr-3-not-actually-about-t_n_857420.html
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2011/05/05/973235/-GOP-criminalizes-abortion-via-the-tax-code-UPDATED
War Against Women:
http://www.care2.com/causes/womens-rights/blog/lawmaker-says-women-should-plan-ahead-in-case-of-rape-since-he-carries-a-spare-tire/
16 January 2011
Guilt
Baby girl, you should have been with me by now, cuddled on my chest, in your Daddy's strong arms, or on your big brother lap, with his tender lips pressed atop your little head. The very cells in my body still ache from your loss. A tender breast...a phantom kick....some days, even after all this time, I would swear I was still pregnant.
But then I remember.
And I am still so, so very sorry.
I miss you.
But then I remember.
And I am still so, so very sorry.
I miss you.
22 July 2010
Taking Control
On the eve of a monumental decision, I feel sad and empty. I did not come to this decision lightly, and I still feel that I was forced into it. The fear of loosing another child is paralyzing - it has been my first and last thought each day for the last 2 months.
And that's no way to live.
Which was precisely what I was not doing.
I went through motions. I smiled, and made awkward conversation. But inside I was still crying, screaming, cursing, bitter, and of course, empty. That my body destroyed another life disgusted me. I let myself, my husband, and my son down. I let the life inside of me down, the life that we weren't allowed to have. The one person in my entire family who could understand what I was going through meant well, but ultimately gave me no support, and everyone else just has no clue what to say or do (except for one very special new friend, who knows just how grateful I am). Despite good intentions by several people, I have never felt more alone.
And in my heart, I knew it was another girl that I lost, just as I knew the first was also a girl. I wanted them so desperately, but they were not meant for this earth.
Aidan needs a mother and Chad needs a wife. I need to be there for them, and I cannot do so and risk being pregnant again. I am not strong enough to loose another baby; honestly, I don't even know if I'd be strong enough to go through a pregnancy again.
Not when I already have Aidan, this perfect little boy who's all mine, and who loves me so unconditionally and asks for so little in return.
I have no control over my body's ability to carry a child to term. I can help it with drugs, but ultimately it's out of my hands.
But this I can control.
And, tomorrow, I will take control...
...because I need closure, so that I can move on.
But please, in the meantime, let me grieve.
And that's no way to live.
Which was precisely what I was not doing.
I went through motions. I smiled, and made awkward conversation. But inside I was still crying, screaming, cursing, bitter, and of course, empty. That my body destroyed another life disgusted me. I let myself, my husband, and my son down. I let the life inside of me down, the life that we weren't allowed to have. The one person in my entire family who could understand what I was going through meant well, but ultimately gave me no support, and everyone else just has no clue what to say or do (except for one very special new friend, who knows just how grateful I am). Despite good intentions by several people, I have never felt more alone.
And in my heart, I knew it was another girl that I lost, just as I knew the first was also a girl. I wanted them so desperately, but they were not meant for this earth.
Aidan needs a mother and Chad needs a wife. I need to be there for them, and I cannot do so and risk being pregnant again. I am not strong enough to loose another baby; honestly, I don't even know if I'd be strong enough to go through a pregnancy again.
Not when I already have Aidan, this perfect little boy who's all mine, and who loves me so unconditionally and asks for so little in return.
I have no control over my body's ability to carry a child to term. I can help it with drugs, but ultimately it's out of my hands.
But this I can control.
And, tomorrow, I will take control...
...because I need closure, so that I can move on.
But please, in the meantime, let me grieve.
10 June 2010
Dedications
To my two lost souls, A Prayer for Baby:
Never to have known you, but to have loved you.
Never to have held you, the way mothers do.
With you I bury my hopes and dreams
For an unknown child I'd never seen.
But I also bury the love in my heart
And the sadness of knowing that we must part.
And I pray to god to do for you
All the things that I would like to do.
And to keep my baby safe from harm
To laugh and frolic in springtime's arms.
-Anon
To Aidan, my sweet boy, you are everything I could ever ask for and more in a son. Thank you for all your hugs, kisses, and cuddles these last few days. Thank you also for finally learning how to say "I love you" and for saying it often.
To Chad, my husband, thank you for your support and your patients during these last few weeks.
And because life goes on, and my beautiful boy Aidan is such a joy, I will end this post by linking an excellent video of him riding his new (and beloved) Strider Bike.
Click Here for the Video!
Never to have known you, but to have loved you.
Never to have held you, the way mothers do.
With you I bury my hopes and dreams
For an unknown child I'd never seen.
But I also bury the love in my heart
And the sadness of knowing that we must part.
And I pray to god to do for you
All the things that I would like to do.
And to keep my baby safe from harm
To laugh and frolic in springtime's arms.
-Anon
To Aidan, my sweet boy, you are everything I could ever ask for and more in a son. Thank you for all your hugs, kisses, and cuddles these last few days. Thank you also for finally learning how to say "I love you" and for saying it often.
To Chad, my husband, thank you for your support and your patients during these last few weeks.
And because life goes on, and my beautiful boy Aidan is such a joy, I will end this post by linking an excellent video of him riding his new (and beloved) Strider Bike.
Click Here for the Video!
14 May 2010
This is what success...and failure, look like.
This belly carried a healthy baby boy to term. It healed from a c-section, and later from gall bladder surgery. This belly stretched more than I ever thought it could. This is success.But this belly is also failure, because it also lost two children - two children that were wanted so badly, who were fought for with every breath. We didn't know about the MTHFR, the ANA, or the low progesterone hormone the first time. The second time we were prepared, and there he was - against all odds - our perfect little boy, born healthy at term. We thought we were prepared for this child. For months I made sure I took my prenatal vitamins, my folic acid supplements, and my baby aspirin. For 35 days I injected the heparin. For a week, for that blissful week during which I was aware of a life inside of me, I dutifully took the progesterone suppositories twice per day.
But it was not enough. My body failed us.
The first time we lost a child, I felt nothing but a massive drive towards trying again. This time, however, all I feel is exhaustion - both mentally and physically - as well as a little disgust. I do not know whether or not I am strong enough to try this again one more time, as Chad wishes. For myself, for my marriage, and for our son who needs his Mama, I just do not feel like this is my path.
I guess I will have to wait and see.
13 May 2010
Another Lost Soul
I was supposed to be announcing a pregnancy, but instead I am announcing another miscarriage. I was so sure that this baby was going to survive; we conceived him or her on the day Chad's grandmother passed away, and I believed she would be our guardian angel. But it was not to be. Another lost soul will be watching over us, from wherever lost souls go when they are not meant for this earth.
Wait it Out
by Imogen Heap
Where do we go from here?
How do we carry on?
I can't get beyond these questions...
Clambering for the scraps in the shatter of us collapsed
that cuts me with every could-have-been
Pain on pain on play repeating
with the backup, makeshift life in waiting
Everybody says time heals everything
but what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in between
are we just going to wait it out?
There's nothing to see here now,
turning the sign around
We're closed to the earth 'til further notice
A stumbling cliched case,
crumpled and puffy faced
Dead in the stare of a thousand miles
All I want, only one, street level miracle
I'll be an out and out, born again, from none more
cynical
And sit here cold, we will be long gone by then
In lackluster, in dust we layer on old magazines,
fluorescent lighting sets the scene
in the one life that we've got
And sit here
Just going to wait it out
And sit here cold
Just going to sweat it out
Wait it out
by Imogen Heap
Where do we go from here?
How do we carry on?
I can't get beyond these questions...
Clambering for the scraps in the shatter of us collapsed
that cuts me with every could-have-been
Pain on pain on play repeating
with the backup, makeshift life in waiting
Everybody says time heals everything
but what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in between
are we just going to wait it out?
There's nothing to see here now,
turning the sign around
We're closed to the earth 'til further notice
A stumbling cliched case,
crumpled and puffy faced
Dead in the stare of a thousand miles
All I want, only one, street level miracle
I'll be an out and out, born again, from none more
cynical
And sit here cold, we will be long gone by then
In lackluster, in dust we layer on old magazines,
fluorescent lighting sets the scene
in the one life that we've got
And sit here
Just going to wait it out
And sit here cold
Just going to sweat it out
Wait it out
28 February 2009
Memory of a Lost Soul
I just wanted to take a moment to remember a lost soul. In June of 2007 I got my first positive pregnancy test. Chad and I had been trying since I went off birth control in January, and it took me until May just to get a period...so that first BFP (big fat positive) was a real blessing. I went to the the doctor to confirm my hCG hormone levels, and received the results while spending the weekend at Dana's family farm. That weekend I went fishing for the first time, and actually caught a fish! Needless to say, it was quite the happy weekend.
In late July I spent a weekend in Texas visiting my good friend Corey. We had a great weekend on the boat and just chillin. That Sunday morning I noticed I wasn't as hungry as usual and my boobs didn't hurt, but didn't think much of it. I had the tiniest little bit of blood, but assumed it was implantation blood. Still, I was horribly worried. Something just didn't feel right. Monday was fine. Tuesday I had another spot of blood and nearly flew to the doctor. Ultrasound confirmed my fears: my uterus was empty. My baby was gone. The miscarriage was one of the most emotionally draining and physically painful experiences I have ever had to indure. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Sore boobs and a monsterous appitite abounded. I was a little nausious, but so long as I ate constantly it wasn't really too bad. My face glowed, and I found myself touching my stomach all the time, just thinking about what was growing in there. A few weeks later, I even got a peek. Baby had a healthy heartbeat and was growing on schedule. My official due date was March 4th, but I was hoping for a leap year baby. So around this time, we would have been celebrating said child's first birthday.
In late July I spent a weekend in Texas visiting my good friend Corey. We had a great weekend on the boat and just chillin. That Sunday morning I noticed I wasn't as hungry as usual and my boobs didn't hurt, but didn't think much of it. I had the tiniest little bit of blood, but assumed it was implantation blood. Still, I was horribly worried. Something just didn't feel right. Monday was fine. Tuesday I had another spot of blood and nearly flew to the doctor. Ultrasound confirmed my fears: my uterus was empty. My baby was gone. The miscarriage was one of the most emotionally draining and physically painful experiences I have ever had to indure. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
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