22 July 2010

Taking Control

On the eve of a monumental decision, I feel sad and empty. I did not come to this decision lightly, and I still feel that I was forced into it. The fear of loosing another child is paralyzing - it has been my first and last thought each day for the last 2 months.

And that's no way to live.

Which was precisely what I was not doing.

I went through motions. I smiled, and made awkward conversation. But inside I was still crying, screaming, cursing, bitter, and of course, empty. That my body destroyed another life disgusted me. I let myself, my husband, and my son down. I let the life inside of me down, the life that we weren't allowed to have. The one person in my entire family who could understand what I was going through meant well, but ultimately gave me no support, and everyone else just has no clue what to say or do (except for one very special new friend, who knows just how grateful I am). Despite good intentions by several people, I have never felt more alone.

And in my heart, I knew it was another girl that I lost, just as I knew the first was also a girl. I wanted them so desperately, but they were not meant for this earth.

Aidan needs a mother and Chad needs a wife. I need to be there for them, and I cannot do so and risk being pregnant again. I am not strong enough to loose another baby; honestly, I don't even know if I'd be strong enough to go through a pregnancy again.

Not when I already have Aidan, this perfect little boy who's all mine, and who loves me so unconditionally and asks for so little in return.

I have no control over my body's ability to carry a child to term. I can help it with drugs, but ultimately it's out of my hands.

But this I can control.

And, tomorrow, I will take control...

...because I need closure, so that I can move on.

But please, in the meantime, let me grieve.

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