24 May 2010

TWO HOUR season finale of Chuck TONIGHT!

Watch the Chuck Season Finale tonight at 8e/7c on NBC. Two hours of Chuck goodness!

23 May 2010


Our 2.2acre slice of heaven on Earth. Let the tree planting and ant killing begin!

20 May 2010


My beta was up to 458, which greatly concerned my doctor. It seems, with those numbers, that my chances of an ectopic were up to 80%. We could no longer "wait and see". I did, in fact, have a tubal pregnancy (left tube). He had to take the whole tube, and did a D&C as well. I am resting today and would feel rather peachy, all things considered, if I could simply convince all this gas to exit my body by a means other than my shoulders. I am strangely serene about the whole thing, and very glad to have resolution. I do have to stop and think about the life that had to end so that I could continue living. I have a picture, which I will post soon.

Thank you for all your thoughts.

I'm going to post the photo below...

17 May 2010


My beta today was 343, so the numbers are going in the wrong direction for a miscarriage. Unfortunately, they aren't rising high enough to indicate a viable pregnancy. So something - which is most likely not a fetus - is growing somewhere in my body.

I really don't understand what my body has to gain from prolonging my torture. I'm supposed to be leaving for Madison on Friday, and NJ on Tuesday. I suppose I'll be squeezing a D&C in there somewhere.


15 May 2010

What I need

I didn't want to write this post, but it's been nagging me all evening. I'm thankful for the wonderful support I've received from many of my friends and family members. You know who you are, and you know how much I appreciate all you do. There are others, however, who feel the need to spout off tired phrases or unrequested advice, who have absolutely no clue what a woman going through a miscarriage needs. So in the hopes of sparing myself further torment, the following post will contain tips on what to do, and more importantly what not to do. Please take heed.

1. I appreciate your sympathy, your hugs (virtual and real), and your good thoughts and well wishes. Just remember that my husband has also lost a child.

2. . Don't try to make me feel better: you can't. Unless you know what it's like to loose a child you actually wanted, don't try to pretend to know what I am going through.

3. If medical talk disgusts you, then don't ask how I'm feeling. I am not ready to talk about my emotions, so the only thing I have left to talk about is the physical which, I promise you, is not pretty.

4. If I do share some emotions or thoughts with you, do not judge me for them, tell me I'm wrong or will "feel differently" later.

5. I would rather you invite me to spend time with you than simply offer yourself "if there's anything I can do". That phrase means nothing unless you actually follow through.

6. . The following phrases are neither helpful nor kind:
- Oh, but you can try again! (Yes, but do I want to?)
- Better luck next time! (Really?)
- You can always have more children. (Are you so sure about that?)
- It wasn't meant to be. (Obviously. )
- These things happen. (As I am patiently aware, thanks.)
etc etc.

7. A special note to pregnant women:
I am now living vicariously through you. Therefore, trying to hide your pregnancy, or doing everything to avoid talking about it, is very hurtful. I want to share in your joy, not only because I am happy for you, but because it helps ease my own pain. Excessively complaining about every little aspect of pregnancy does, however, get old.

I'm not the only one who feels this way. See here:

14 May 2010

This is what success...and failure, look like.

This belly carried a healthy baby boy to term. It healed from a c-section, and later from gall bladder surgery. This belly stretched more than I ever thought it could. This is success.

But this belly is also failure, because it also lost two children - two children that were wanted so badly, who were fought for with every breath. We didn't know about the MTHFR, the ANA, or the low progesterone hormone the first time. The second time we were prepared, and there he was - against all odds - our perfect little boy, born healthy at term. We thought we were prepared for this child. For months I made sure I took my prenatal vitamins, my folic acid supplements, and my baby aspirin. For 35 days I injected the heparin. For a week, for that blissful week during which I was aware of a life inside of me, I dutifully took the progesterone suppositories twice per day.

But it was not enough. My body failed us.

The first time we lost a child, I felt nothing but a massive drive towards trying again. This time, however, all I feel is exhaustion - both mentally and physically - as well as a little disgust. I do not know whether or not I am strong enough to try this again one more time, as Chad wishes. For myself, for my marriage, and for our son who needs his Mama, I just do not feel like this is my path.

I guess I will have to wait and see.

13 May 2010

Another Lost Soul

I was supposed to be announcing a pregnancy, but instead I am announcing another miscarriage. I was so sure that this baby was going to survive; we conceived him or her on the day Chad's grandmother passed away, and I believed she would be our guardian angel. But it was not to be. Another lost soul will be watching over us, from wherever lost souls go when they are not meant for this earth.

Wait it Out
by Imogen Heap

Where do we go from here?
How do we carry on?
I can't get beyond these questions...

Clambering for the scraps in the shatter of us collapsed
that cuts me with every could-have-been

Pain on pain on play repeating
with the backup, makeshift life in waiting

Everybody says time heals everything
but what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in between
are we just going to wait it out?

There's nothing to see here now,
turning the sign around
We're closed to the earth 'til further notice

A stumbling cliched case,
crumpled and puffy faced
Dead in the stare of a thousand miles

All I want, only one, street level miracle
I'll be an out and out, born again, from none more

And sit here cold, we will be long gone by then
In lackluster, in dust we layer on old magazines,
fluorescent lighting sets the scene
in the one life that we've got

And sit here
Just going to wait it out
And sit here cold
Just going to sweat it out
Wait it out

05 May 2010

Seven years...

...and I still miss you, Mom.

And, I'm still sorry.

But it's never enough.

And will never be enough.

04 May 2010

Rest in Peace, Grandma Tootie. 3pm.

I guess we're all one phone call from our knees
We're gonna get there soon
If every building falls, and all the stars fade
We'll still be singing this song, the one they can't take away
I'm gonna get there soon, she's gonna be there too
Cryin' in her room, prayin' “Lord come through”
We're gonna get there soon

"Closer to Love" By Mat Kearney