15 May 2010

What I need

I didn't want to write this post, but it's been nagging me all evening. I'm thankful for the wonderful support I've received from many of my friends and family members. You know who you are, and you know how much I appreciate all you do. There are others, however, who feel the need to spout off tired phrases or unrequested advice, who have absolutely no clue what a woman going through a miscarriage needs. So in the hopes of sparing myself further torment, the following post will contain tips on what to do, and more importantly what not to do. Please take heed.

1. I appreciate your sympathy, your hugs (virtual and real), and your good thoughts and well wishes. Just remember that my husband has also lost a child.

2. . Don't try to make me feel better: you can't. Unless you know what it's like to loose a child you actually wanted, don't try to pretend to know what I am going through.

3. If medical talk disgusts you, then don't ask how I'm feeling. I am not ready to talk about my emotions, so the only thing I have left to talk about is the physical which, I promise you, is not pretty.

4. If I do share some emotions or thoughts with you, do not judge me for them, tell me I'm wrong or will "feel differently" later.

5. I would rather you invite me to spend time with you than simply offer yourself "if there's anything I can do". That phrase means nothing unless you actually follow through.

6. . The following phrases are neither helpful nor kind:
- Oh, but you can try again! (Yes, but do I want to?)
- Better luck next time! (Really?)
- You can always have more children. (Are you so sure about that?)
- It wasn't meant to be. (Obviously. )
- These things happen. (As I am patiently aware, thanks.)
etc etc.

7. A special note to pregnant women:
I am now living vicariously through you. Therefore, trying to hide your pregnancy, or doing everything to avoid talking about it, is very hurtful. I want to share in your joy, not only because I am happy for you, but because it helps ease my own pain. Excessively complaining about every little aspect of pregnancy does, however, get old.

I'm not the only one who feels this way. See here:

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