14 May 2010

This is what success...and failure, look like.

This belly carried a healthy baby boy to term. It healed from a c-section, and later from gall bladder surgery. This belly stretched more than I ever thought it could. This is success.

But this belly is also failure, because it also lost two children - two children that were wanted so badly, who were fought for with every breath. We didn't know about the MTHFR, the ANA, or the low progesterone hormone the first time. The second time we were prepared, and there he was - against all odds - our perfect little boy, born healthy at term. We thought we were prepared for this child. For months I made sure I took my prenatal vitamins, my folic acid supplements, and my baby aspirin. For 35 days I injected the heparin. For a week, for that blissful week during which I was aware of a life inside of me, I dutifully took the progesterone suppositories twice per day.

But it was not enough. My body failed us.

The first time we lost a child, I felt nothing but a massive drive towards trying again. This time, however, all I feel is exhaustion - both mentally and physically - as well as a little disgust. I do not know whether or not I am strong enough to try this again one more time, as Chad wishes. For myself, for my marriage, and for our son who needs his Mama, I just do not feel like this is my path.

I guess I will have to wait and see.

1 comment:

  1. I can't even imagine how that must feel.

    Maybe it is your path, in time. And if it's not, then you will always have one beautiful, perfect boy who knows he is loved every single second of the day. You have plenty of time to wait and see.