30 November 2011


Thanks to whomever hacked or reported my facebook page, causing it to be disabled. This is extremely annoying to me, especially since I had lists of friends' addresses there and no where else. And I've still no word from FB regarding WHY I was disabled with no warning, or WHEN IF EVER I will get my account back.

And yes, as of now I'm suspecting YOU, you narrow-minded, holier-than-thou b*tch. I know you probably don't read this, but still...it makes me feel better to write it anyway. I don't care what you believe, I am NOT a murdering Nazi for aborting my ectopic daughter in order to save my life. I'm here today for my son, my husband, and my cats (because, frankly, who else could possibly love them?)...and I'm happy to be here! I think about her every day and it still hurts like hell, the thought of what I did...but I made the right decision. And who are you to judge me for it? I hope you never have to walk a moment in my shoes.

And yes, I had a crappy day and I'm taking it out on my blog. This is about the time of month (fairly frequently) that my body likes to pretend it's pregnant, even though I know it's not. It's freaking annoying and getting awfully old. Plus, it's a reminder that, maybe had I had been given an OUNCE of compassion, or just a little support here and there, that maybe I'd have had the strength to try one more time. But never had I felt so alone and terrified, and ultimately I did what I felt was necessary for the good of my sweet, sweet little boy...who needs his mom healthy. I'm sure it was the right decision, but it still hurts.

No, I'm not over it. Yes, I've forgiven you (most of you). No, I can't just forget and act like it never happened. I can't because SHE DID HAPPEN. She existed, for a short time, no matter how much you'd like to forget about her. She was alive inside of me, and I felt her presence.

And this body of mine is still obviously trying to fill a void it can't.

And probably never will.

27 November 2011

Belated post on our NJ trip

Long ago...(in October)

...Aidan and I got ready for another trip to NJ. He gets to use his new passport!

We flew from MSP to JFK, then took the A Train into Manhattan. This was the first time either of us has seen the Freedom Tower, and it is much more impressive in person. It MIGHT even be growing on me. From Manhattan, we hopped on the PATH into Hoboken.

My good friend Laura and her fiance, Alex, were kind enough to host us for the evening. It was nice to see Mink again, and to finally meet Sable!

After a fun day at my 10th MKA high school reunion, (where, amazingly, I took no photos), and dinner with Tatjana and her sweet family, my dad and lil bro came to pick us up. Aidan LOVES his Uncle Carlos.

Aidan thinks his Grandfather is pretty fun, too. Love the white beard, Dad. Thanks for saving it for me!

Mimi, you look so beautiful when you laugh.

We took a Hay ride with more family...here is my awesome cousin, Katie!

Aidan loves his Nena. I love her, too.

Nena cooked me my favorite meals, and Grampa showed Aidan how to fish. Aidan remembered this pond from last time. Unfortunately, he also remembered how to fall in...again. This time, it was only one leg, and Grampa wasn't around to see it. I laughed. If there is water, my son will find a way to fall in. Every time.

AND after 3 years, I FINALLY took my son down the shore! Aidan kept calling it a lake - such a Midwestern boy. The waves kept him from temping the waters, for which I was grateful. *I* had no intention of swimming in the Atlantic in late October, thankyouverymuch.

Oh, and thanks to Ari for driving all the way down to the boonies in order to have a drink with me (my first time in a bar in over four years). It was so nice to see you again, and I enjoyed meeting your girl friend. We need to take pictures next time, because you have a lot more hair and a lot less ink in the most recent ones I have of you.

19 November 2011

18 November 2011

Remember What's Important

My sweet boy couldn't make it through Chuck tonight, and fell asleep cuddled on my lap. He's never done this before and I was loving it! So, I relaxed and finished watching Chuck and Fringe before moving him to his room so that I could get to work. Sweet boy didn't wake up until almost 4am, at which point he went potty and then brought his Blankie and Elephant to come sleep the rest of the night with me. Being a Mom is awesome!


06 November 2011

Taking care of Mom

Sweet boy,
I wasn't feeling very well today. For the last week, I've been up late either working or organizing, cleaning, and decluttering the house, and the lack of sleep is wearing on me. And, the migraine isn't helping.

This morning when you woke up early, (the whole "fall behind" = more sleep memo being totally lost on your 3yr old self), instead of demanding breakfast, you snuck into my bed, gave me a big hug and kiss, and cuddled with me for over an hour. Every once in a while you'd give me another kiss and whisper, "I love you Mom.". After I told you my head hurt, you tried so hard to remember not to yell or make too much noise. You were gentle with me all day, never whined or asked for treats, and we spent the day playing puzzles, blocks, and watching movies. You even took turns choosing the movie. Without me even having to ask, you brought me my slippers when you saw that I was cold, and brought me a drink of water when you thought I was thirsty. You helped me pick up the toys, helped me make soup, put away your clothes, and were generally sweet and pleasant all day. You never once complained or whined.

So thank you, my dear sweetest boy, for such a wonderful day. You took excellent care of me and I am so very proud of you.