And yes, as of now I'm suspecting YOU, you narrow-minded, holier-than-thou b*tch. I know you probably don't read this, but still...it makes me feel better to write it anyway. I don't care what you believe, I am NOT a murdering Nazi for aborting my ectopic daughter in order to save my life. I'm here today for my son, my husband, and my cats (because, frankly, who else could possibly love them?)...and I'm happy to be here! I think about her every day and it still hurts like hell, the thought of what I did...but I made the right decision. And who are you to judge me for it? I hope you never have to walk a moment in my shoes.
And yes, I had a crappy day and I'm taking it out on my blog. This is about the time of month (fairly frequently) that my body likes to pretend it's pregnant, even though I know it's not. It's freaking annoying and getting awfully old. Plus, it's a reminder that, maybe had I had been given an OUNCE of compassion, or just a little support here and there, that maybe I'd have had the strength to try one more time. But never had I felt so alone and terrified, and ultimately I did what I felt was necessary for the good of my sweet, sweet little boy...who needs his mom healthy. I'm sure it was the right decision, but it still hurts.
No, I'm not over it. Yes, I've forgiven you (most of you). No, I can't just forget and act like it never happened. I can't because SHE DID HAPPEN. She existed, for a short time, no matter how much you'd like to forget about her. She was alive inside of me, and I felt her presence.
And this body of mine is still obviously trying to fill a void it can't.
And probably never will.