23 July 2010

Closure is cathartic

Surgery went well and I am recovering.

Closure is cathartic.

One door has closed. Perhaps, soon, another will open.

In other, completely unrelated news, these two boys are extremely happy. Wanna know why?

Because Aidan is getting a new cousin, and Alan is getting a SISTER! Soon, the boys will have their OWN pretty girl to boss them around :). Congrats to my sister-in-law and brother-in-law on their baby girl, due in early December!

22 July 2010

Taking Control

On the eve of a monumental decision, I feel sad and empty. I did not come to this decision lightly, and I still feel that I was forced into it. The fear of loosing another child is paralyzing - it has been my first and last thought each day for the last 2 months.

And that's no way to live.

Which was precisely what I was not doing.

I went through motions. I smiled, and made awkward conversation. But inside I was still crying, screaming, cursing, bitter, and of course, empty. That my body destroyed another life disgusted me. I let myself, my husband, and my son down. I let the life inside of me down, the life that we weren't allowed to have. The one person in my entire family who could understand what I was going through meant well, but ultimately gave me no support, and everyone else just has no clue what to say or do (except for one very special new friend, who knows just how grateful I am). Despite good intentions by several people, I have never felt more alone.

And in my heart, I knew it was another girl that I lost, just as I knew the first was also a girl. I wanted them so desperately, but they were not meant for this earth.

Aidan needs a mother and Chad needs a wife. I need to be there for them, and I cannot do so and risk being pregnant again. I am not strong enough to loose another baby; honestly, I don't even know if I'd be strong enough to go through a pregnancy again.

Not when I already have Aidan, this perfect little boy who's all mine, and who loves me so unconditionally and asks for so little in return.

I have no control over my body's ability to carry a child to term. I can help it with drugs, but ultimately it's out of my hands.

But this I can control.

And, tomorrow, I will take control...

...because I need closure, so that I can move on.

But please, in the meantime, let me grieve.

13 July 2010

Eloquent words on loss

Elizabeth, from Boy Crazy, recently posted some material so near and dear to my heart, that I feel compelled to share. She tells the story of her best friend Alison, whose firstborn child was born sleeping three years ago. I asked, and received, permission to cross-post, because Alison's words were so much more eloquent in expressing my feelings over our losses than I could ever hope to accomplish.

Elizabeth writes:
When she lost Annika, the people who helped her most were those "who were willing to sit in the dark pit of grief with me and didn't try to make it better, but rather shared my sorrow. I remember getting cards wishing me 'well' and 'better days ahead' and wanting to shred them. I didn't want to be better or feel better...I wanted to experience the depth of my sorrow...I think the best way to 'deal' with grief is to experience it for what it is. People who are willing to come alongside you during those times are the biggest gift, the only gift, in tragedy."
Source: http://www.clarity-chaos.com/2010/07/on-losing-baby.html

Finally, thank you to Glenda, for being that person for me.

11 July 2010

Anniversary Weekend

Bayfield, WI

Wow, what a great weekend! When it comes to making plans, I am generally the one to make them (per Chad's preference). For our 5th Anniversary, I decided Chad should take the lead, and I gave him pretty much free rein to plan our weekend. Aidan spent the weekend with his most wonderful parents, and off we went.First order of business was a big surprise for me: my first ever massage at Lori's in River Falls, WI. Next up, we pretended to be teenagers and saw Eclipse, which was essentially mindless fluff, but not bad (New Moon was still better, IMO). For dinner we had an excellent meal at Akita Sushi, in Woodbury (St. Paul?) MN before moving on to SOLO at the Southern Theatre. This was a special treat for me, as it's been years since I've seen a dance performance, and I quite enjoyed myself. By the time we got home, though, I was definitely ready for bed!

After sleeping in the next morning (thanks in no small part to the huge bowl of food we left out for the cats, so they wouldn't have to wake us up for their breakfast), we headed off to a VERY SECRET LOCATION. Secret, because I told Chad to surprise me. All I knew is we were driving north, so I assumed we'd end up somewhere on Lake Superior.We ended up at a charming Bed & Breakfast called the Apple Grove Inn in Bayfield, WI. We stayed in the Studio room which had a beautiful view of the grounds and also of Lake Superior.

Dinner was at the Portside Bar & Restaurant, where I had the most divine pan-seared scallops, and Chad had, in his words, "the best" ravioli he's EVER had (stuffed with blue crab!). I should have taken photos of all these lovely dishes, but honestly we were so starving that by the time the thought occurred to me, we were already halfway through our meal. BTW, have I mentioned, how excited I am that Wisconsin has followed in the wake of Minnesota and NYC to go SMOKE FREE?!?!

After dinner we took a stroll around Port Superior marina, drove around Bayfield looking at pretty houses, and then took an evening walk on the beach.

The following morning, after an excellent breakfast at Apple Grove, we packed up and headed to Hauser's Bayfiend Winery before starting the long drive home.

We had lunch in Shell Lake, WI at a new place called Lakeside (sorry, no link). They're an awesome sports bar with, according to Chad, the "right" kind of Cheese Curds. When we arrived the bartender was watching some western, so I promptly switched to the FIFA World Cup Final during our meal. So yes, if you were there and you saw the TVs, you have US to thank for that. We stayed until time ran out and the score was still 0:0, but could wait no longer before continuing home. I was happy to hear, from my beautiful Aunt Dulce, that Spain did win! They were my favorites after Brasil and Portugal got the boot, so I was glad they won.

The last part of our trip involved a wicked cool storm just north of Hammond. I failed to get a picture of the lightening, but I did get a good shot of the rain moving over the fields.

I think Chad definitely outdid himself, don't you?! Thank you, Love, for such a great weekend! <3

09 July 2010

Five Years Together

I love you,
Not only for what you are,
But for what I am
When I am with you.

I love you,
Not only for what
You have made of yourself,
But for what
You are making of me.
I love you
For the part of me
That you bring out;
I love you
For putting your hand
Into my heaped-up heart
And passing over
All the foolish, weak things
That you can’t help
Dimly seeing there,
And for drawing out
Into the light
All the beautiful belongings
That no one else had looked
Quite far enough to find.

I love you because you
Are helping me to make
Of the lumber of my life
Not a tavern
But a temple;
Out of the works
Of my every day
Not a reproach
But a song.

I love you
Because you have done
More than any creed
Could have done
To make me good
And more than any fate
Could have done
To make me happy.
You have done it
Without a touch,
Without a word,
Without a sign.
You have done it
By being yourself.
Perhaps that is what
Being a friend means,
After all.

[By Roy Croft]