Aidan took this picture of us, and it pretty much sums up what our life has been like over the past few months: Aidan and I playing on the floor while Chad researches building materials and such for the house we hope to build next year. What Aidan didn't get a photo of was me napping on the couch while he and Chad romp around the living room. THAT happens frequently, too. I'm not quite sure why the hot weather so effectively drains me of all energy, and I certainly don't remember being so affected in previous years. All I know is I'm quite ready for some cooler temperatures. I wish I could live in a perpetual autumn.
As July comes to a close, Chad and I also take a moment to remember a life largely forgotten by the rest of the world. It was July 25th, 2007 that we discovered that our first child had died. Emotionally draining but not nearly as traumatic as our ectopic baby, my miscarriage plunged me head first into the world of infertility and high risk pregnancies - a world of belly injections, blood, fear, and mercy. Four years later, and the pain of my first loss has dulled considerably. I didn't cry on Monday, nor did I feel particularly moody or detached. What I did feel was simply an overarching sadness that I was one of only two people who bothered to spare a moment to remember her. I often feel that what really holds me back from healing from all of this is that I'm dealing with it largely alone. No one wants to talk about dead babies, and certainly not to their grieving parents. Some even have the audacity to claim I shouldn't mourn a life that died so quickly after conception. But whether you like it or not, that life was real to me, and she was real to my husband, and we will never forget her. And, most importantly, we remember her sacrifice: were it not for her loss, we would never have this wonderful little boy...
...whose 3T pants from winter are already several inches too short...
...and who still loves chewing on his favorite blankie (thanks Mimi) and hamming it up for Mommy's camera. Er, excuse me, Mom's camera. Somehow in the last few months I've become *Mom* instead of Mommy. Surprisingly, I rather like it :-).
Seeing this picture always makes me laugh. Aidan loves having his hair done, usually in "bunny ears" or "horns", but sometimes a lone "whale spout". In anticipation of an 8hr drive to Chicago (thanks to Grandma & Grandpa for babysitting) in a car without a CD player, I found my stash of old mix tapes and decided to bring them along and see if they still work. Aidan was fascinated by the tape, and I couldn't resist the photo op. Now I just need to introduce him to Grandpa's eight tracks :-).
Included in the bunch: various mix tapes from friends, The Scarlet Pimpernel, Blink 182, A Perfect Circle, 3 Doors Down, Ani DiFranco, my beloved high "Escape from Bad Radio Music" Mix from high school...
...and the famous "CTY Mix" with such stars as They Might be Giants, REM, and Dr. Demento. I even found a Trance mix made for me by Ricardo. I wonder if he even remembers? Great songs...all made me smile, and singing them made me feel happier and more carefree than I have in a long time.
Make a little birdhouse in your soul...
