Missing my babe

"In the face of loss, people deserve space to be out of their minds. And they will get back in their minds in their own time, not when people are tired of their grief and ready for them to move on.

We are unfair to grief, I think, treating it as an enemy or a disease to be fought. We do not succumb to grief. We do not lose to grief. We engage grief. It gives us the time our hearts need for us to be out of our minds." [Source: Julie Pippert http://theartfulflower.blogspot.com/2012/02/we-are-unfair-to-grief.html?m=1]

I never held you, but I knew you. And, I still miss you, little one. The three of us sent up a pink Chinese lantern in your honor on Friday night - a little early, so that Daddy could be there, too. We told Aidan about you. I'm not quite sure than he understood, but he did listen...perhaps even more quietly than usual. It was a good evening. 

Finally, to Glenda: Still I am endlessly grateful.

Dona Nobis Pacem

Agnus Dei, qui tollis peccata mundi...

A year ago today, at this time, I was preparing to knowingly commit murder.

...miserere nobis.

At least, that's what most Republicans (and some Democrats) would have me believe.

Agnus Dei, qui tollis peccata mundi...

I sat in a hospital room, alone, while I waited for surgery - waited for my doctor to take from my body a child I so desperately wanted. Chad stayed with Aidan and our nephew. He was alone, too.

...miserere nobis.

A year later, and I still cannot express to you the guilt and grief I feel every moment of every day. When people do their very best to act like this life never existed, it only adds to my misery. There is no outlet for my grief.

Agnus Dei, qui tollis peccata mundi...

No one to remember her but my husband and me. No one to mourn her but us. No record that she ever existed, except the hole burned into our souls, and the scars on my belly.

Dona Nobis Pacem

I always told myself I could never have an abortion, but there I was, sitting in that hospital room, waiting. Of course, this particular abortion was medically necessary. My daughter was growing in my tube - ectopic - and there was nothing anyone could do to save her life. I could either wait for the tube to burst - at great personal risk - or I could remove her tiny body from mine in a relatively safe procedure. Part of me wanted to wait, to punish myself for my body's failure. I wanted to hurt physically, if only to numb the pain I felt inside. But of course I couldn't do that, not with my sweet Aidan to mind, and my husband and kitties. My daughter was not meant for this Earth, but I was still meant to be here. Wife. Mother. Kitty slave. And so, God help me, I closed my eyes, went under anesthesia, and woke up empty.

Dona Nobis Pacem

I murdered her. She was alive with the beginnings of a heart beat, and I murdered her.

And my insurance company paid for it. And my insurance premiums were paid with pre-tax dollars. So when the bill from the hospital came, we could afford to pay it.

Deo grátias.

I was always adamant that it was neither my place nor the government's to tell a woman that she couldn't have an abortion. I know many people view abortion (all abortions) to be the murder of a unborn child, and the idea that any of their tax dollars might be going to such an abdominal act sickening. I get it, truly I do. And honestly, I'm fine with writing it in the tax code: no federal dollars spent on abortions. It's not like that's anything new: the Hyde Amendment takes care of that. It's all the other crap that scares me and makes ME feel ill. H.R. 3 says:

- Flex spending dollars can't be used to pay for abortions.
- Premiums for insurance plans that list abortion as a covered benefit can't be written off.

This goes beyond protecting people's beliefs, and it's easy to see where it will lead.

- No insurance companies will cover abortions.
- Having an abortion will get a lot more expensive.

Which, I suppose, is what they want. These representatives (though who they are representing, I have no idea, because it sure the hell isn't me) want to tell me which medical procedures I should have and which I shouldn't by dictating where I can spend money that I earn.

And I'm sorry, but that's goes a bit beyond their job description.

They may believe that writing this into the permanent tax code is going to prevent more abortions, but I assure you that they are wrong. These changes will serve to do little more than cause already grieving women more strife by putting them thousands of dollars in debt, while increasing the number of dangerous abortions women will have without the aid of a trained medical staff in a sterile environment. We'll be back to where we were in the decades before Roe v. Wade.

And women will die because of it.

And their babies will, too.

I therefore urge you all to consider the ramifications of such a bill - the broader picture of the precedent these pieces of legislation represent. Who do you want to draw the line between medically necessary and murder? Yourself and your doctor? Or a bunch of (mostly male) strangers with no medical training whose beliefs may or may not be your own? Let alone the issue of rape (don't get me started on that one). Protecting unborn children at the expense of their mothers is not good legislation, regardless of the reason. And it certainly doesn't belong in the tax code.

Because the woman sitting in that hospital bed is me. She's everyone who has ever been a mother - however briefly. And I promise you, her suffering goes beyond anything you could ever know, regardless of what brought her to that bed.

Isn't it enough?

Dona Nobis Pacem

---

More info:
http://www.npr.org/2011/05/05/136011925/bill-to-bar-abortion-tax-subsidies-passes-house
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/05/04/hr-3-not-actually-about-t_n_857420.html
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2011/05/05/973235/-GOP-criminalizes-abortion-via-the-tax-code-UPDATED

War Against Women:
http://www.care2.com/causes/womens-rights/blog/lawmaker-says-women-should-plan-ahead-in-case-of-rape-since-he-carries-a-spare-tire/

Guilt

Baby girl, you should have been with me by now, cuddled on my chest, in your Daddy's strong arms, or on your big brother lap, with his tender lips pressed atop your little head. The very cells in my body still ache from your loss. A tender breast...a phantom kick....some days, even after all this time, I would swear I was still pregnant.

But then I remember.

And I am still so, so very sorry.

I miss you.

Taking Control

On the eve of a monumental decision, I feel sad and empty. I did not come to this decision lightly, and I still feel that I was forced into it. The fear of loosing another child is paralyzing - it has been my first and last thought each day for the last 2 months.

And that's no way to live.

Which was precisely what I was not doing.

I went through motions. I smiled, and made awkward conversation. But inside I was still crying, screaming, cursing, bitter, and of course, empty. That my body destroyed another life disgusted me. I let myself, my husband, and my son down. I let the life inside of me down, the life that we weren't allowed to have. The one person in my entire family who could understand what I was going through meant well, but ultimately gave me no support, and everyone else just has no clue what to say or do (except for one very special new friend, who knows just how grateful I am). Despite good intentions by several people, I have never felt more alone.

And in my heart, I knew it was another girl that I lost, just as I knew the first was also a girl. I wanted them so desperately, but they were not meant for this earth.

Aidan needs a mother and Chad needs a wife. I need to be there for them, and I cannot do so and risk being pregnant again. I am not strong enough to loose another baby; honestly, I don't even know if I'd be strong enough to go through a pregnancy again.

Not when I already have Aidan, this perfect little boy who's all mine, and who loves me so unconditionally and asks for so little in return.

I have no control over my body's ability to carry a child to term. I can help it with drugs, but ultimately it's out of my hands.

But this I can control.

And, tomorrow, I will take control...

...because I need closure, so that I can move on.

But please, in the meantime, let me grieve.

Conclusion

My beta was up to 458, which greatly concerned my doctor. It seems, with those numbers, that my chances of an ectopic were up to 80%. We could no longer "wait and see". I did, in fact, have a tubal pregnancy (left tube). He had to take the whole tube, and did a D&C as well. I am resting today and would feel rather peachy, all things considered, if I could simply convince all this gas to exit my body by a means other than my shoulders. I am strangely serene about the whole thing, and very glad to have resolution. I do have to stop and think about the life that had to end so that I could continue living. I have a picture, which I will post soon.

Thank you for all your thoughts.



Edit:
I'm going to post the photo below...